Koosh #AtoZChallenge

When I started blogging some years ago, it was originally to leave something behind for my kids, so that one day, presuming they actually care, they could go through my posts and learn a little about who I was, etc… Of course, I spent the next few weeks trying to post about things that I thought other people would care about, and trying to drive traffic in and run up my add words numbers. It was exhausting, and fruitless. Then I started posting again for exactly what I started blogging for again.

After a couple years, I realized, I post a lot about junk that makes me sound like an old man reflecting on a pretty small treasures from my youth, and what not. So I kinda stopped again for a while.

Well. Here I am again. Thinking about some things that are really insignificant, but brought me some pretty great fun as a kid… Simple things made big impacts.

So here it is, the Koosh-ball.

Pretty much just a bunch of rubber bands that were cut, and tied together. I am not sure whether it was the first time these things came out, or it was just the first time I ever saw one, and thought they’d just come out, or whatever… But I’d never seen anything like them.

I’m sure I could have made a better K post, but yanno, I just don’t want to. So there.

Ever had a kooshball?

E, F, G, H, I, and J! #AtoZChallenge

Kinda fell a little behind there, and to catch up, I’m kinda cheating… This post will cover E through J. Since it’s going to be a lot of letters covered, I thought I’d try not to bore you, so I have decided to do a string of YouTube videos again.

Here is some of the greatest music of all time.

Everybody’s Fool – Evanescence

Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty

Gimmie Back my Bullets – Lynyrd Skynyrd

Have you Ever Seen the Rain – Creedence Clearwater Revival

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2

Jeremy – Pearl Jam

Delayed! #AtoZChallenge

I had a feeling I was going to fall behind on this challenge at some point, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon… Just got my “C” post up, and what better subject for “D” than to call myself out on my inevitable failure.

My goal here is to help you feel better about yourself, see? I’m a nice guy. 🙂

Have you fallen behind yet? Do you think you will??

Project New Leash

Have you ever seen those “Please adopt me” posts of cats and dogs who are on death row at kill shelters on Facebook? If not, here’s some…

A friend of mine shares them regularly on his page, and one day a friend of his said “Oh, I wish I could help that dog, but I can’t afford the adoption fees!” He was able to raise the money for her, and even found transportation for the dog to get to the new home.

He began to wonder if it would be possible to create a website where folks could register, and offer to travel X miles to help an animal in trouble, or offer to donate toward an adoption fee. We could then have the shelters post an animal, and it could plot a course from shelter to owner. It would then contact people who said they’d travel and live along the course, to see if they’d be able to help deliver the pet, or possibly foster the pet for a few days, etc.

We decided that it’s gotta be possible. We’ve talked to the folks who could make it possible, and it’s not out of the realm of possibility, but first we need some help.

First and foremost, we need people. We need some exposure. We need everyone who can, to spread our word. Please visit us at http://New-Leash.org and check is out. There’s a Facebook page, Twitter page and everything else there for you, follow, like and do everything you can!

Best and Worst of thisiswhyimbroke.com

I found this site several years ago now, and have been watching it off and on ever since. There’s some pretty outrageous stuff, and pretty cool stuff on there… I thought I might share some of my favorites of these two categories.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any of this junk, I didn’t take these pictures, I grabbed them off of the “This Is Why I’m Broke” site, and probably didn’t bother linking them back to the original post… I might, I don’t know. It just seems like something I’d forget to do, so just go to http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com if you’re looking for something, and I didn’t link it back to the site.

SECONDLY: I know for a fact that I’ll be making fun of someone’s typo(s) as part of this post, which of course means I’ll have at least a few typos of my own. This does not give you the right to say “If you’re going to make fun of someone for making typos, you should run spell check”. This is my blog, so shut face. 😛

The Outrageous
This is the stuff you see, and you think “If I were a zillionaire, I’d still feel like a dolt for buying that.” These are the things that Americans buy that make other nations shake their heads in disgust.

1. Water Jet Pack

Could you imagine walking out to the beach with this thing? First, you’re going to look like a clown dragging it out there. Second, there’s a compressor somewhere below you in the water, so you’re only going to go up so high. You’re going to look like a the human version of the house fly with a string tied to its leg, zipping around in circles. Third, you’re going to spray water down on the poor folks below you, unless of course you wait until the beach is empty. Then again if you’re going spend that $100,000 on it, you probably already own your own beach anyway.

The ONLY way I could understand someone buying this is to rent it out like an amusement ride.

(Not saying I wouldn’t accept one as a gift, in case you’re thinking ahead to my birthday.)

2. Retro Alien Couch
couch

That’s pretty cool, right? A retro alien couch. I’d probably chuckle at it, if I saw it somewhere. Probably start a conversation about it.

I’d also likely lose control of my bladder while laughing when the owner tells me he

blurb

(cause you know a chick wouldn’t be so dumb as to buy that) paid FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS for it! Five grand! Are you kidding?

Oh, and here’s the marketing blurb from their site that appears right next to the pic.

Pay special attention to the big red arrow that I put in there… Shouldn’t that say “An”? “It features AN all fine leather…”

I’m guessing he hasn’t sold any, cause if he had, he’d have been able to pay an editor or proofreader.

3. Shark Shaped Personal Submarine
shark2

I will admit, this might be kinda funny. I just don’t know if I could really get into this thing. I mean, I’m all for underwater exploration, and truth be told, I’ve always secretly wished I had my own submarine.

But this thing is QUITE CLEARLY more about being seen, rather than seeing things.

shark

I can tell you with no doubt in my mind, driving around with that thing behind you, you’re going to get some “Oh please” looks. Okay, we get it, you have money to burn. How about spending it less stupidly. This thing screams decadent-irresponsible-American on board.

shark3

This one just reminds me of that Batman move from way back, when he’s dangling from the helicopter, and he has some “Bat Shark Repellent” spray or something.

errorshark

Oh, and again, something from their site that suggests that either they think joining them on Facebook is an error, or they aren’t selling enough units to pay for proper web development.

Maybe I should call them…

The Pretty Cool Stuff
This is the stuff they have that you look at, and think one of the following things:

  • Hey, that’s kinda neat!
  • PFFF nice! HAR!
  • You know, that’s just silly enough to be funny, and for a price that doesn’t suck.

1. The Raptor Hoodie

Who doesn’t love dinosaurs, right? And I have to admit, the kid’s cute, loves his sweatshirt, and it’s only $25. You’d spend that on a sweatshirt anyway. …alright, maybe not, but if you were going to splurge, you might.

2. Oreo Dunking Spoon

THAT is just freaking cool. It’s THREE Dollars, and you get to completely submerge your cookies without them sogging out of your fingers, or your milk tasting like whatever your fingers were doing before you sat down, or your fingers stinking like sour milk later.

Someone was thinking here.

3. Cassette Tape iPhone Case

I’ve never really made it a secret, but I’m a pretty anti-Apple guy. No real reason other than I’m tired of the folks who swear by them looking down their noses and trying to poke holes in the idea that Windows is better. (IT’S THE INDUSTRY STANDARD FOR A REASON, PEOPLE!!)

But I grew up when the cassette tape was cool, and think this is pretty clever, and it’s $1.93.

4. USB Wall Outlet

That’s just genius! It’s $27.95, a little more expensive than a standard receptacle, but come on! How freaking brilliant is that?!

5. The Flying F*ck

We’ve all said it, heard it, or at least thought it. It’s remote-controlled, it flies and it says F*ck. For $30, I thought about bringing one to my company Christmas party, and giving it away… Thus being able to say, “You see? I DO give a Flying F*ck.”

Have you purchased any of these? Have you ever been to the site? Go there now, and post a link to your favorite item on there in the comments! 🙂

Poetry Inspired by Adam and Eve

God made the earth,
and he hung it there in space.
He then got to work,
planning to create a race.

A man, in God’s own image,
was the start of that endeavor.
Then a garden and some fruit,
the man could not have, ever.

Adam lived the life of Riley,
lounging ’round amoungst the plants,
but he longed for some adventure,
and perhaps some hot romance!

“God,” he said. “You see,
I’ve got everything I need.
I’ve got food, and warmth and fig leaves,
But I’ve got an urge to breed!”

“I’m alone here all the time, you see,
and though sometimes that’s okay,
I long to talk with someone
when you must go way.”

God considered Adam’s words,
and realized he was right.
Besides, a “race” should have more members.
Just one, was an oversight.

“I shall use a part of your own body,
to begin to make a wife.
She will be made as part of you.
You’ll love her your whole life.”

And God began to think out loud,
about what he had said.
What part of Adam should he use?
A foot? An ear? His head?

“Two arms you need to tend your flock.
two legs to walk the shore.”
And then it dawned, “I’ll use a rib!
You have 11 more!”

And thus, a woman God named Eve
was made to fill the void.
And Adam shared his life and love,
and he was overjoyed.

Until the hag fed him that apple.

No Crying at my Funeral!

The Macho Man Randy Savage sadly died May 20th, 2011 in a car accident. Later that day, I pasted his obituary link in my Facebook feed, and posted “SNAP INTO THE DASHBOARD!” …making fun of his “Snap into a Slim-Jim” commercials.

I IMMEDIATELY got about six or seven “Hey! Show some respect for the dead!” sorts of replies.

I contend that that’s exactly what I did.

The Macho Man Randy Savage was a performer. He was a bad-ass pro wrestler who participated in an activity that everyone knows is fake. He was a performer. He lead his whole life entertaining the masses.

Now, obviously I can’t speak for someone I’ve never met, but I can’t imagine he was hoping that when he died, everyone would step on egg shells around the fact that he died. I’m willing to bet that he’d rather have a hundred thousand screaming fans chanting for him rather than crying and fearing that they may say something wrong.

It got me to thinking about comedians who get up on stage and risk their careers telling those “too soon” jokes. I love those jokes. I hope folks tell those kinds of jokes about me when I pass. I sure as hell don’t want people standing around looking at a formaldehyde filled husk crying that I’m gone. I want people to laughing, and if it’s at my expense, I’ll be honored to bring some levity.

If you don’t feel like you could possibly laugh about my death (immediately) after I’m gone, here… let me help you:
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I want folks to joke about how enormous my head is… my hats are all XXL or 7-7/8… I can never find anything that fits my head at places like Target, and when I manage to find them (online, special order) they’re more expensive, obviously because they’re just more material.

Although I preferred “Bio-dome” folks seemed to enjoy calling me “Headquarters” in high school.
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I want folks to talk about how I can’t seem to touch anything without breaking it. It’s not necessarily true anymore, but for about ten years starting around age 16, anything that required any finesse, I broke.

Hell, anything that required even just mild care, I broke. And it seemed to make it worse that everyone knew about it, cause they’d say “Matt’s gonna break it” and sure enough… it’d break. …oddly enough, I can’t think of anything specific, but it happened constantly.
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I want people to talk about the times that I’ve thrown up, cause it really sorta happens a lot. I don’t mind throwing up when I feel the need, if truth be told. I always feel better afterwards, and it’s not like it’s difficult or painful. I always get like a 3 minute heads up when it’s inevitable too, so I’m always able to make it to the throne… So why not, right?

Once, I was hanging out with a couple friends of mine in high school, circa 1996, sitting in Brookline Villiage. I’d gorged myself on ribs earlier that day, and we’d just stopped over at a convenient store “Frans” which is no longer there.

I’d gotten some kind of healthy chocolate milk, that was fortified with vitamins or something, and it was disgusting. The first sip totally disgusted me. I got that sour-face you see when people taste whiskey for the first time.

“Puke, Matt! Puke!” my buddy cheered.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah… yeah, alright.” ..so I did. Right there, right on the side walk in front of the bench where we sat. Ribs. BLARF. Couldn’t hang out there anymore, of course, so we headed to the car. A couple more times on the way.
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I used to like tube socks, but when I started liking tube socks, the style was to pull them down, so they’d pile up just above the shoe… I think that was probably 4th grade, putting the year at about ’89 or ’90.

In fact, I’d gotten several garbage bags of hand-me-down socks from my godmother who’d complained that her kids (who were mid teens) would, instead of washing their laundry, just buy more socks. I had more tub socks than any kid on earth.

Sometime in the year 2002, I happened to notice my fiance (who is now my wife) chuckling with our roommate about it. They didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I guess… which is pretty difficult to do, but apparently crumpled up tube socks had gone outta style.

…not that at that point in life, I really gave a rat’s ass about what was in or out, mind you. Tube socks had just become the habit, and my calves are now (and were then) large enough that I can’t pull them up anyway. (Believe it or not, it’s muscle.) (or, if you need it to be something other than muscle for a joke or something, believe what you need to. 😉 )
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I don’t know why, but for some reason people like to groan and moan, and feign physical pain, and shout that they hate puns when I spout them. I don’t understand why that is. I find a good pun to be somewhat difficult to come up with, and it takes a bit of smarts to catch it if you’re not already on the look out.

But apparently, none of that matters, cause the masses seem to disagree, so… I’m sure there’s plenty of fodder there for folks to poke fun about. …just so long as they’re not making puns, I suppose.
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At my funeral, I hope they play “Another One Bites the Dust”, “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”, and any other song that I can’t think of right now, or doesn’t make sense right this moment but will, once we all know the cause of death… i.e. AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” if I get struck by lightening, or Soul Asylum’s “Run Away Train” if I get hit by a train, or Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” if I get hit by Jupiter, or something like that.
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My father said on his death bed: Don’t waste your time on a funeral for me. I’ll be dead; funerals are for the living.” While I’m sure he was saying “Don’t bother with a funeral at all” I prefer to say it meaning, don’t spend your time and money worrying about what you think you should have for a funeral. Because what I’d like is for everyone to do something that you all like. Enjoy. Eat. Drink. Be merry. If you must make me the center of attention, I hope it’s as the butt of a joke, cause all I want is to see you laugh.

Too soon? No, not at all, says I.

Play This Song Every Time I Enter a Room

This post was prompted by Jim “Suldog” Sullivan’s post over here, as so many of my posts have been…

I’m a great lover of music, and I’ve always loved the way some music plays with movies and shows. I’ve always thought I’d be good at laying out a soundtrack for a movie.

I like to joke sometimes when I hear a song and say “I want this song to come on every time I enter a room”. But it’s only half true usually, cause what if I’m entering the bathroom? I don’t really need bathroom theme music, and nobody else is in there anyway to hear it… Continue reading

3, 2, 1 Contacts!!

Once upon a time, there was a roledex. I saw them in action. In fact, I wCard index, file system to register and search...orked in a video store what had one, and when I had to call folks, I had to flip through a bunch of cards to find their info.

Shortly thereafter, we had computers, and depending on the kind of computer user you were, you may or may not have maintained your contacts list… But if you did, it wasn’t a big deal, really. You put someone’s name in, and their info, and done. Continue reading