Things That Irrationally Gross Me Out

I’m not exactly a xenophobic recluse or anything, but there are some things on this earth that I really just don’t like, and can do without…

The male half of our species has a long standing love affair with many things vulgar, and I resent that fact. Sure, farts are funny, I’ll admit that, but there’s gotta be a line drawn somewhere. I’ll tell you where that line should be drawn… Gas. Anything more frowned upon than gas can be left out, as far as I’m concerned.

Thus begineth my list.

Feet
There are a fair number of folks out there who share my views, I’m quite certain. I also know that there are a lot of people who are the polar opposite, and really love them… which I find completely disgusting. I’d like movie and T.V. editors to blur out feet the way they do genitals and innocent folks’ faces. Frankly, I’d rather see that other stuff than a foot.

Why do I hate feet? …I dunno. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, when you break it all down. Sure they can stink, but so can armpits, and those don’t gross me out. Hell, the stink is most of what makes GAS funny, right??

So I can’t think of a why, and everyone has em. But I still find them repulsive. I know (and have witnessed) girls who will say “Yeah, I agree, but not mine! *I* have pretty feet!”. No, you do not. I don’t care who you are, your feet are disgusting. Put socks on. I have actually gagged at the site of some.

Oh, and ladies, for the love of Darwin, don’t keep a collection of shoes at work under your desk. There are IT folk who need to go under there. I swear, I see a pile of shoes, and I instantly think I can smell feet… I’m sure it’s psychological, and *I* am the broken one here, but really, how many shoes do you need AT WORK anyway? I don’t keep my shoes at work. …alright, well maybe I do, but I work out of my house, so that doesn’t count.

I could go on longer here, but…

Spit
I don’t know what it is about young boys, but for some reason, they have this NEED to spit all the time. The bigger the wad the better.

Adam Sandler’s “Big Daddy” was particularly disgusting for me, because he taught the kid to drip spit out of his mouth, and suck it back in…. Makes me gag just thinking about it…. (Note to self: What a stupid topic to spin a few hundred words on… Dumb-ass…)

Plungers and Toilets
I’m not talking about the plungers at the dorms that leave brown rings on the floor, or even used toilets… And yes, I know that the toilet seat is the least germ ridden in the home (it’s true, look it up), I’m talking about even new ones.

I remember walking through the hardware store when I was young, and watching some older kids (high school age) playing with plungers, sticking them to the floor, the walls, their faces, etc. That’s just disgusting. I don’t care that they’re new. How do you know they weren’t “quality tested” or something?

And Toilets, I cringe every time one of those designers on a “Give you a better bathroom” shows, put on gloves, and stick their fingers under the rim of the bowl to take it out. No farking way. I’d wrap my in plastic wrap before I ever stuck my fingers in it.

Broken Bones
I’ve seen people hoot and holler over videos of people breaking a leg, and watching it dangle weirdly in the wrong direction. Compound fractures too, people love when bones jut out through skin.

I wish the goddam media would stop that! I don’t want to see crooked limbs or ruptured skin!

Okay, I was planning to go for about five things, but I think I’ve gone far enough.

I usually end these posts with prompts to get people to answer a question and post a comment about what does whatever I just yapped about for them… So if you like, what grosses you out? OR if you would rather, What’s your favorite flavor ice cream?

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Best and Worst of thisiswhyimbroke.com

I found this site several years ago now, and have been watching it off and on ever since. There’s some pretty outrageous stuff, and pretty cool stuff on there… I thought I might share some of my favorites of these two categories.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any of this junk, I didn’t take these pictures, I grabbed them off of the “This Is Why I’m Broke” site, and probably didn’t bother linking them back to the original post… I might, I don’t know. It just seems like something I’d forget to do, so just go to http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com if you’re looking for something, and I didn’t link it back to the site.

SECONDLY: I know for a fact that I’ll be making fun of someone’s typo(s) as part of this post, which of course means I’ll have at least a few typos of my own. This does not give you the right to say “If you’re going to make fun of someone for making typos, you should run spell check”. This is my blog, so shut face. 😛

The Outrageous
This is the stuff you see, and you think “If I were a zillionaire, I’d still feel like a dolt for buying that.” These are the things that Americans buy that make other nations shake their heads in disgust.

1. Water Jet Pack

Could you imagine walking out to the beach with this thing? First, you’re going to look like a clown dragging it out there. Second, there’s a compressor somewhere below you in the water, so you’re only going to go up so high. You’re going to look like a the human version of the house fly with a string tied to its leg, zipping around in circles. Third, you’re going to spray water down on the poor folks below you, unless of course you wait until the beach is empty. Then again if you’re going spend that $100,000 on it, you probably already own your own beach anyway.

The ONLY way I could understand someone buying this is to rent it out like an amusement ride.

(Not saying I wouldn’t accept one as a gift, in case you’re thinking ahead to my birthday.)

2. Retro Alien Couch
couch

That’s pretty cool, right? A retro alien couch. I’d probably chuckle at it, if I saw it somewhere. Probably start a conversation about it.

I’d also likely lose control of my bladder while laughing when the owner tells me he

blurb

(cause you know a chick wouldn’t be so dumb as to buy that) paid FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS for it! Five grand! Are you kidding?

Oh, and here’s the marketing blurb from their site that appears right next to the pic.

Pay special attention to the big red arrow that I put in there… Shouldn’t that say “An”? “It features AN all fine leather…”

I’m guessing he hasn’t sold any, cause if he had, he’d have been able to pay an editor or proofreader.

3. Shark Shaped Personal Submarine
shark2

I will admit, this might be kinda funny. I just don’t know if I could really get into this thing. I mean, I’m all for underwater exploration, and truth be told, I’ve always secretly wished I had my own submarine.

But this thing is QUITE CLEARLY more about being seen, rather than seeing things.

shark

I can tell you with no doubt in my mind, driving around with that thing behind you, you’re going to get some “Oh please” looks. Okay, we get it, you have money to burn. How about spending it less stupidly. This thing screams decadent-irresponsible-American on board.

shark3

This one just reminds me of that Batman move from way back, when he’s dangling from the helicopter, and he has some “Bat Shark Repellent” spray or something.

errorshark

Oh, and again, something from their site that suggests that either they think joining them on Facebook is an error, or they aren’t selling enough units to pay for proper web development.

Maybe I should call them…

The Pretty Cool Stuff
This is the stuff they have that you look at, and think one of the following things:

  • Hey, that’s kinda neat!
  • PFFF nice! HAR!
  • You know, that’s just silly enough to be funny, and for a price that doesn’t suck.

1. The Raptor Hoodie

Who doesn’t love dinosaurs, right? And I have to admit, the kid’s cute, loves his sweatshirt, and it’s only $25. You’d spend that on a sweatshirt anyway. …alright, maybe not, but if you were going to splurge, you might.

2. Oreo Dunking Spoon

THAT is just freaking cool. It’s THREE Dollars, and you get to completely submerge your cookies without them sogging out of your fingers, or your milk tasting like whatever your fingers were doing before you sat down, or your fingers stinking like sour milk later.

Someone was thinking here.

3. Cassette Tape iPhone Case

I’ve never really made it a secret, but I’m a pretty anti-Apple guy. No real reason other than I’m tired of the folks who swear by them looking down their noses and trying to poke holes in the idea that Windows is better. (IT’S THE INDUSTRY STANDARD FOR A REASON, PEOPLE!!)

But I grew up when the cassette tape was cool, and think this is pretty clever, and it’s $1.93.

4. USB Wall Outlet

That’s just genius! It’s $27.95, a little more expensive than a standard receptacle, but come on! How freaking brilliant is that?!

5. The Flying F*ck

We’ve all said it, heard it, or at least thought it. It’s remote-controlled, it flies and it says F*ck. For $30, I thought about bringing one to my company Christmas party, and giving it away… Thus being able to say, “You see? I DO give a Flying F*ck.”

Have you purchased any of these? Have you ever been to the site? Go there now, and post a link to your favorite item on there in the comments! 🙂

New Hampshire Trip July 2013

Once upon a time, I was small. er. Smaller.

… let’s just go with young.

Once upon a time, I was young. I believe I was about 8 years old when I (was) moved (by my older and more useful siblings and parents) to Brighton MA, to the top of this foolishly steep hill in Oak Square. I continued to go to school in Brookline MA, and before you start blowing whistles, we paid to keep me there, unlike those who just use some other family member’s address in the same town.

Because I didn’t go to the local schools, I didn’t meet many other local kids. I did meet a few in the area around my house though, one of whom I became very good friends with. This was great, because the only other company I really had in the area were the dogs that were owned by folks in the neighborhood.

It sounds really strange to say it now, as I’ve never seen anything like it, but that mini-mountain in Oak Square was literally infested with dogs. It was as if there were no leash laws, and perhaps there weren’t, I don’t really know, but people would let their dogs out, like they would their cats. It was not uncommon to see four or five dogs go trotting by in a pack.

It was there that I met the smartest dog I’ve ever known, as well as the dumbest dog I’ve ever known. Both were golden retrievers.

But dogs aside, this fellow with whom I made friends used to take me on his family outings all the time, and his family became like a second family to me. A good measure of who I am today is due to them.

Anyway, they own a cottage on a lake in NH, and they used to bring me along with them. It quickly became one of my favorite places on earth, and I’d spend weeks at a time when on vacation from school there.

Time went on, as it tends to, and I got a lot taller and such. Long story short, I started to date the girl who lived year round next door to their lake house. This went on for a couple of years, this long distance teenaged thing, back before email and cell phones… Doomed from the start. She and I broke up (in another rather long and not all that interesting story) in 1998, and thus ended my extended stays for some time.

I found reasons not to go back up, as I really had no desire to see her, or the places that reminded me of her, etc.

A few years back, (maybe 10?) I started going again, but only for the July 4th get together, where tons of folks from his family would come as well. We’d all pack into the house like sardines, people on couches, mattress pads, the floor, etc. …but it would only ever been for a few days at a time.

The last time I actually spent a full week away was April, 1998. Since then, I’ve taken a week off several times, but never left the house. Any time we ever went away, even our honeymoon, it was only ever for three or four days.

This year, we went back to the lake house, and we stayed for a full week and more. We got up on a Friday, and were actually by ourselves (my wife, the kids and I) until the following Thursday when the second family and THEIR extended family began showing up. This was the first REAL weeks vacation for me in fifteen years. BOY was it great.

I’d have stayed longer if I can, of course. But I can’t say I’m not glad to be back. Looking forward to kicking this blog back into gear though… Hopefully I still have a few readers left lingering around!

 

Poetry Inspired by Adam and Eve

God made the earth,
and he hung it there in space.
He then got to work,
planning to create a race.

A man, in God’s own image,
was the start of that endeavor.
Then a garden and some fruit,
the man could not have, ever.

Adam lived the life of Riley,
lounging ’round amoungst the plants,
but he longed for some adventure,
and perhaps some hot romance!

“God,” he said. “You see,
I’ve got everything I need.
I’ve got food, and warmth and fig leaves,
But I’ve got an urge to breed!”

“I’m alone here all the time, you see,
and though sometimes that’s okay,
I long to talk with someone
when you must go way.”

God considered Adam’s words,
and realized he was right.
Besides, a “race” should have more members.
Just one, was an oversight.

“I shall use a part of your own body,
to begin to make a wife.
She will be made as part of you.
You’ll love her your whole life.”

And God began to think out loud,
about what he had said.
What part of Adam should he use?
A foot? An ear? His head?

“Two arms you need to tend your flock.
two legs to walk the shore.”
And then it dawned, “I’ll use a rib!
You have 11 more!”

And thus, a woman God named Eve
was made to fill the void.
And Adam shared his life and love,
and he was overjoyed.

Until the hag fed him that apple.