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This is a re-post of some garbage I spewed a couple of years ago. Hope you enjoy!
I’ve been in a contemplative mood lately, and feeling silly, so I’ll try to keep this one short…
Seems like everywhere you look these days, there’s a vampire movie or book staring you in the face. I’m not exactly sure what the sudden fascination with the undead is, but I find it a little unrealistic, and NOT for the obvious reasons.
I can understand them being immune to germs and disease (although it’s supposedly a disease to be one, isn’t it?)But how come you never see a vampire with bad teeth? I don’t buy that their teeth wouldn’t at least be all stained, I mean, I drink coffee, and mine get stained. They drink blood. One would think the same would happen. I don’t see them gargling bleach or anything. I can’t imagine all the random biting and what not, that they’d never chip a tooth or something.
I think it’d make a great movie, a Vampire with sensitive teeth. Can’t bite someone if they’re too cold, or like, only on the right side of their mouths. People would be finding bodies with just one hole in the neck, you know? Maybe the Vampire would have to carry around one of those can opener type things I always had to use as a kid to poke opposing holes through the ends of the cans of juice.
You’d think a Vampire would need at least a quarterly physical, they gotta have all kinds of problems from eating only red blood… Vitamin deficiencies, cholesterol… And what with no blood of their own, they must have pure lard in their veins. And how come none of them are fat, don’t dead bodies bloat? Or what about some of the other things, like putting out the waste? You never see a vampire making a pit stop, but what goes in must come out. Another movie opp: The young Vampire child who grew faster than his bladder, which is a common problem among growing children, that causes them to wet the bed a lot. Unfortunately for the vampire, they sleep hanging upside down.
And another thing, they can’t be out during the day, right? The sun light burns them up or something (at least that’s how it is in every story except the “Twilight” saga, where it’s just because they’re sparkly. I think the writer might have thought of the same thing as I have) but the moon light doesn’t seem to bother them. To quote Pink Floyd, “There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it’s all dark.” The moon reflects the sun light, albeit somewhat dimmer. But I’d think it’d give em at least a headache or something.
And while we’re on the subject of fantasy, I’m reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy right now… I don’t see the big deal, I have a gold ring that holds some kind of control over me, and makes me invisible to all women. Well… Not all women, I suppose. I’m willing to bet some of the more evil ones would still see me.