Happy Halloween!

Another chance for us to dress our kids in funny costumes, occupy them for a whole evening, get them all tired out and eat their candy when they go to bed. 😀

Givers of candy, I have this request for you! I realize that America is obese, and I understand that proper education and discipline as a child will help to stem this epidemic. Trust me when I say, I am doing my part to make sure that my children are not in receipt of too much candy!

How you ask? Well, I secretly remove some of the candy from their stash, a little at a time so as not to be noticed. This way they feel like they ate it all, but in reality, they only eat a portion of it.

No! Of course I don’t eat it! *wipes mouth*.

My request is that you help me out a little bit here… Here’s a list of candy that don’t lik…er… That’s hard to dispose of undetected… Yeah, that’s it.

PEEPS
These nasty little buggers get sticky and leave marshmallow all over my fac… ah… hands. Very difficult to take care of undetected.

CANDY CORN
If you purchased candy corn, you may as well keep it. Take a look around the house and see what else you got. I completely understand that you bought these with the best of intentions, and it may be the only “candy” type food you got, but be creative! Sugar cubes or packets? Tea bags? (Earl Grey are nice. That is to say, they’re the easiest to squirrel away from the kids while staying under the radar). Chicken nuggets? You get the idea.
COCONUT
Anything with coconut in it is bogus. Stay away from this at all costs. Why? I don’t like them. And that’s a legit reason, cause just the smell of them makes me wretch, so being stealthy is very difficult with a fist full of mounds bars. I can’t think of a good use of a coconut that involves eating them. I think the professor made a HAM radio out of a couple, didn’t he? That’s acceptable.
CIRCUS PEANUTS
Seriously, could there be a more disgusting “candy”? It’s like they didn’t have quite enough coagulation agent to make another batch of silly putty, so they feed it to the indiscriminant. I don’t even like that junk in my house, let alone my bell… Kid’s bellies.

FRUIT
It’s been a few years since I’ve seen this, but several times over the years someone’s tried to pass of raisins and apples as Halloween booty? What are you, new? You want your place toilet papered? Weren’t you ever a kid? Did you like getting produce on Halloween? The fourth grade versions of yourself would kick your ass for that. That’s like giving a little boy clothes for Christmas.

If you’re into disappointing children (which I’ll admit can be rewarding from time to time…) keep it up. You’re just giving them things to throw in the compost heap. By the time they get through the real stuff, the nature’s bounty you handed out will be turning brown and sprouting hairs. Look, Thanksgiving is just around the corner, keep that junk for pies and breads. Halloween is about glucose packed goodies, not health foods.

* * * * *

Now that you know what not to give out, here’s how to do it right.

This is not one of those holidays where you go to the dollar store to buy your supplies. Penny pinching is going to get you in trouble. Not quite as much trouble as giving out V8 juice or celery of course, but old stale no-name chocolate bars are only just so-so. May not get you egged, but don’t be surprised to find your morning newspapers in the bird bath for the next couple of months.

That said, you don’t have to go top shelf either, once you pass a certain level you’re in the clear. Sure, we’ll tak… Ah, they’ll take Symphony bars, toblerone, and Lindt chocolates, but your return on investment isn’t going to be that much higher. Remember, going above and beyond isn’t going to get your lawn mowed or your gutters cleaned. You’re never going to get positive karma out of this… Your job is just to not get assaulted by angry Junior-high kids equipped with shaving cream.

Think of the standard names. These are the candies you see lining the aisle as your leaving the super market. Hershey’s, Reece’s, Nestlé’s Crunch, Kit-Kats, Snickers. These are perfect examples of middle-of-the-road treats to give out. This will keep your yard free of any kind of delinquent Halloween tomfoolery.

The little bite sized ones are fine, those will get you a pass. You don’t have to go full sized, or king sized.

If you disagree, and still would rather give out vitamin filled tree-droppings, do yourself a favor: Turn your porch light off, and don’t answer your door. You’d much rather the kids think you’re not home, as opposed to trying to get them to slim down.

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