Thoroughly Disgusted by Today’s Music

Earlier this week I took my 7-year-old daughter to a dance that was held at her school. It’s a well-known fact that I really hate dancing, but frankly, at 7 years old, they don’t really want to dance with their father’s, they want to run around and play with their friends. I was told “Dad, don’t embarrass me.” so I spent the night standing around talking to other dads.

As one who doesn’t dance, music written specifically for dancing is completely wasted on me. Most of the time I find it very annoying, like a pair of boots in the dryer.


However, I was more bothered than usual by the music I heard at this dance. Now, this school is a K-4 school, putting the attendees at 5-10ish? Let me share with you the play list. I’ll start with the most acceptable.

Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Not bad, I thought. I don’t hate it. It’s Halloween, and the kids actually did a modified version of the dance in one of their previous school presentations, so a bunch of them were dancing to it, having a great time.

Katy Perry – Firework. Ok, I really hate the song myself, and I can’t F’ing get away from it, but frankly there’s nothing I can really call inappropriate about it, except the artist.

Dynamite. I don’t know who sings it, and again… Very annoying song, everywhere I go, but…

Katy Perry’s other music they played:

Last Friday Night.”
Don’t know it? Let me acquaint you with some of the lyrics…

There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbecue

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot


Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois

Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we’re gonna stop
This Friday night
Do it all again


How about Katy Perry – California Gurls. Let’s just overlook the fact that that’s not how you spell girls.

California girls, we’re unforgettable
Daisy dukes, bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin, so hot
We’ll melt your popsicle

California girls, we’re undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it one lock
West-coast represent
Now put your hands up

Sex on the beach
We’ve got white sand in our stilettos
We freak in my jeep
Snoop Doggy Dogg on the stereo


I mean the ones, I mean like she’s the one
Kiss her, touch her, squeeze her buns
The girl’s a freak, she drive a Jeep
And live on the Beach

I’m okay, I won’t play, I love the bay
Just like I love L.A.
Venice Beach and Palm Springs
Summertime is everyday

Homeboys bangin’ out
All that ass hangin’ out
Bikinis, zuchinis, martinis, no weenies
Just a king and a queenie

But wait, there’s more!

LMFAO – Sexy and I know it. Like I want my 7-year-old listening to a band called “Laughing my fucking ass off” in the first place.

This entire song is inappropriate first of all, but here are my favorite parts:

When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it

When I’m at the mall, security just can’t fight them off
And when I’m at the beach, I’m in a Speedo trying to tan my cheeks (what)
This is how I roll, come on ladies it’s time to go
We headed to the bar, baby don’t be nervous
No shoes, no shirt, and I still get serviced (watch)

How about the Macarena? You remember that… Here’s the translation to English:
Give happiness to your body Macarena
’cause your body is for giving happiness and nice things to
Give happiness to your body Macarena
Heeey,… Macarena! Aaay!
(repeat once)

Macarena has a boyfriend who’s called
who’s called the last name Vitorino,
and while he was taking his oath as a conscript
she was giving it to two friends …Aaay!
(repeat once)


Macarena , Macarena , Macarena
you’re popular the summers in Marbella
Macarena , Macarena , Macarena
you like the guerilla excesses …Aaay! (Wha? What the hell does that even mean??)
(repeat once)


Macarena dreams of the English Tailor*
and buys the latest models
She would like living in New York
and seduce a new boyfriend… Aaay!

PSY – Gangnam style
First of all, this song is not so bad as these other ones, but uses the word “sexy” an awful lot… I didn’t know that word until I was like 13. Maybe that’s a different story. However, the video is filled with scantily clad women, and the kids were all doing the ridiculous dance… I wouldn’t want my daughter watching those women, personally, but I guess it’s the least of the evils.

Nicki Minaj. First of all… “Sticks in my bun”.
I done put two sticks in my bun
So they recognize me when I come
I’m D-M-C like Run
Listen mami I’m the muthafuckin one

You don’t like me you just like my flow
Just booked a show but I might not go
Nigga said he didn’t have a pole for my hoe
Damn why a nigga tryna fuck up my dough
When it come to me it be like they go
They tell me to stop but I’m like hell no
Now everybody watch my M-O
Nicki been hot since you rock shell tops

Ha ha ha ha
Gotta laugh at that
Bitch give me the ball I’m a pass it back
Spit nothin but crack got bags of that
When it come to rap I master that

Or how about “I’m Cumin”?
Okaye okaye okaye okaye (I’m cominnnnn)
Now whose hot, whose not? Shorty du whoop, it’s
Cool you blood clot, (COOL), you come to the spot see if you
Don’t get got, see if you don’t get got when the semi go cop,
I’m like ayee what the fuck a bitch think? (uh huh) Nick, you know ain’t nuttin changed but
My wink (okaye), pink on pink everything insync, I write pretty lyrics every pen pink ink,
I’m representin all my girls, niggas double up, I don’t play around I’m a have to
Shut ‘er down, run up into town I’m a have to get the crown, I’m the Youngs Queens
Bitch with the platinum sound, None of ya girls can steal my shine, Fendi brought me to
The game, Now I’m in my prime (yup), stay humble, stay low, stay on the grind
I don’t needa a light but I stay in the lime,

When I tell em that I’m cumin I’m cumin
Rap bitches in the game always huffin and puffin
(Damn) why these bitches always frontin for nuthin
Fuck around I’m a have these bitches runnin from suttin [x2]

[Verse 2:]
Guess what Nicki spit crack like yayo, yup matter fact when I rap
It okayo, Come through the hood all the boys say ayo, lettuce and tomato
Don’t forget the mayo, Words in the street that Nicki don’t play doe,
Bitches pop shit but they soft like play dough, gotta lotta banks so she wanna be
Me, I gotta full tank little momma on E, I fly first class overseas on this BB, snapple
In my hand and it’s strawberry kiwi, I ain’t even make it, and these girls wanna be me
You Mrs. Me too like you always say me me, I’m who they believe in, mami
Don’t even, Soon as I put the keys in I switch like seasons, get a couple beats from my
Nigga dough bezy, why would I go hard when this shit is so easy,

[Hook x2]

But they played Superbase.
He a motherfucking trip, trip, sailor of the ship, ship
When he make it drip, drip kiss him on the lip, lip
That’s the kind of dude I was lookin’ for
And yes you’ll get slapped if you’re lookin’ hoe

I said, excuse me, you’re a hell of a guy
I mean my, my, my, my you’re like pelican fly
I mean, you’re so shy and I’m loving your tie
You’re like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh
Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the F I is
I am Nicki Minaj, I mack them dudes up, back coupes up, and chuck the deuce up

I could literally go on and on. These are just the ones that popped up in my mind as I started to type.

I can truly say, I’m disgusted by this. Seven year old girls singing
“Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois”

I don’t swear much on this blog, but are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? People look down on other parents who swear in front of their kids, but they let them listen to this garbage? No wonder teen pregnancy is a problem. No wonder girls are so fucking self-conscious! They’re looking up to people who commercialize being sluts! I don’t care that they have one lyrically decent song, once that’s in the kid’s head, they’re going to look for more, and the rest of the menu is atrocious!

I’m a father of two girls, and I’m scared to fucking death by this shit! And why am I the only person in the god damned room who was looking around in shock?? This is disgusting! people are ok with this? Am I turning into “that parent” who wants to ruin a good time for everyone else? …is THIS what qualifies as a “good time” now?? I’ve always been a little older than my age, but… seriously?

I am well aware that you’re not able to insulate a kid from everything that you’d like to, and frankly, you’d have one heck of a weenie for a kid if you did… But I feel this sort of thing is just unnecessary and over the line, and all together disgusting. You wouldn’t had kids pictures of adults doing the things these people are singing about right? Allowing kids to learn and perform these lyrics and dance moves should get people registered as sex offenders and child abusers.

And performers: You may not like it, but you are being looked at as role models. Show some self respect and class. You may not have a responsibility to anyone but yourself, but if you can’t be successful without shaking your chest and talking about sexual favors, then you are worthless, I don’t care how much money it makes you.

Enhanced by Zemanta

My True Brew Porter Bastardization

I thought I’d post a follow up to my post about my experiments with the True Brew Porter kit I bought a month or two ago.

If you’ll recall I bought a kit cause I had nothing else to do, and I haven’t amassed all the equipment I need to brew all grain yet. I got home, and wanted to mess around with the brew, so I added a cup of molasses to the boil. A few days later, I added some brown sugar and honey to the fermentation. And then I added some more honey a couple of days later.

I was a little worried about bottle bombs, but I had no problems.

The beer itself is a little unbalanced, as I didn’t add any hops, which I think I will next time. It’s strong, I forgot to get hydrometer readings, but I would wager it’s around 8% or 9%.

It pours like a porter should dark brown, and a thick brown head. You can taste a little of the alcohol heat, but it’s not over powering. Nicely carbonated, gives a good belch, which we all know is terribly important!

All in all, I like it. It’s gotten me eager to try something new again, but unfortunately right now, I’m short on funds, and I’m out of fermenters, my carboy and my bucket are currently filled with cider and mead respectively.

One thing I was not entirely prepared for, was the gastrointestinal pyrotechnics that came from this… Evidentally, the live yeast likes to screw with your belly. As a guy, and a work-from-home person, really wasn’t a big deal. I thought it funny for the most part… But I did some reading, people say the first year of drinking home brew is like that, as your body gets used to it…

Should be interesting.

Review: Shipyard IPA

Brew Style: IPA
Brewer: Shipyard Brewing Company
ABV: 5.8%
BrewNewb Opinion: Decent

I was looking for something new that wasn’t too expensive, and as always, IPA is high on my list of “wants to drink right now.”

I love a solid, pine-hoppy IPA, and I’m always on the look out for the next best one.

Unfortunately, I think this one was not that one.

Pours a dark copper. Very malty, in scent, citrus hops. The taste was in my opinion, disappointing. The body was nice, but the flavor was grapefruit and copper to me. I felt like it was more of an IPA for people who don’t like IPAs.

In all fairness it’s not a bad beer, and I’d drink it on occasion, but not when I’m looking for an IPA.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Related External Links

A Whole Post About Farts

I had a thought recently, as my stomach grumbled following a meal during which I had far too much of something that disagreed with my digestive system.

It was mid day, in the middle of the week, and as such I was working. Given that I work from home, I wasn’t very concerned with my gastrointestinal pyrotechnics, but there was once a time when it would have been an inconvenience.

Being a human being, and not a particularly unique one as far as biology goes, I thought that this must be a pretty significant problem for most other folks. Makes sense since there are gas-x and beano commercials all the time, I thought to myself.

But it’s really not so much a big deal for me, as I work from home most of the time, alone, and even still with a little desk fan blowing in my face, so most of the time, although I’m sure I’m pretty offensive, I never really even know it. Not too many jobs can boast that same thing.

I started wondering just how many jobs there are like this. I suppose there are a fair number of jobs where you could get a way with it. Cab driver, for example, since cabs always stink to high heaven to begin with. That guy in the wicked high cranes, sitting in that cab, dangling things high above the earth… It’s windy up there, and he’s alone, so…. Perhaps cops. Cause, who’s gonna say anything, right? I guess any job where you’re alone, and not dealing with other people and there’s at least fair ventilation would be suitable, right?

Perhaps the perfect job for it though would be stand up comedian. If done right, he could work it into his act, you know? “So I’m glad I’m finally up here on the stage, cause I really had to fart, and now there’s nobody nearby. I can let fly, and then I can even just mozy on over to the other end of the stage, so even I don’t have to be bothered by it. Just drag and drop it on my way. You know it’s a bad one when the comedian is the only one in the place laughing, and everyone else is looking at each other goin ‘he didn’t say anything…'”

Then I started wondering what would be the worst jobs to have during a time like that…

Playing Center on a football team… Imagine being bent over, about to hike the ball, the quarterback with his hands up between your legs, calling out numbers, and you’re going “Jesus Christ, say ‘HUT’ already…”

If the job still exists, being an elevator operator for a tall hotel. When you’re alone, not such a big deal, but you’re in an elevator… That’s not going anywhere. It’s going to hit people like  a punch in the face when the get on, and if Murphy is paying attention, which he always is, they’re going to be going at least a dozen floors… And they are going to know who it was. You can’t exactly blame it on them.

I’ve had a history of being that guy though, cause like most guys, I think farts are hysterical, especially when you can let them creep out and sneak up on someone. You can bet, that if there’s a crowded train, and I’m on it, that there will be people looking around shocked and appalled. I’ll be the guy who isn’t. I’ll be straining not to burst into hysterical laughter. The effort will be obvious on my face.

Perhaps the worst time I’ve ever done that though, was leaving an office building that I’d taken a seminar in with a dozen other folks, four or five of whom were from my work. We were waiting for the elevator, and it was taking forever. I REALLY, HONESTLY, SWEAR TO GOD, was trying to wait until we got outside, but Murphy had my number, and he was in a mood.

I moved myself away from the crowd who was waiting for the elevator, and decompressed. Sure enough, the doors opened, and I hadn’t gone far enough away to leave it all in the hallway. I dragged the worst of it in with me. The elevator was somewhat crowded, so when I got on, I didn’t get the chance to turn around, so I was facing the whole crowd in the elevator. I steeled my face as best I could, but my co-worker looked at me like “you bastard,” and I started to crack.

We went down one floor, and the elevator stopped. More people got on. The faces of the strangers clearly showed they were disgusted. More fuel for the giggle-fire. Nobody said anything though. Most of them just watched me in a terrible giggle fit.

We continued the remaining three floors, and you could practically hear people wishing the doors would open faster. When they finally did, a couple people got out, giving me room to turn around. When I did, I realized the poor bastard behind me was in a wheel chair, and his face had been less than a foot from my arse for three floors of what must have been pure hell.

I have never laughed so hard, and felt so bad at the same time, as I did that day. When I die, I know that’s going to come up, and I’m going to have no recourse but to throw myself on the mercy of the court. It was unintentional. It was regrettable. It was f*cking funny.

Your turn.

Ticks Repost

This is an article I posted last year. I didn’t write it, so I apologize for any part of it you might feel is poorly written… It’s only here for informational content!

We found a tick on my daughter this morning, so I felt this would be a good re-post. We took her to the Dr. He plucked it off of her, said it looked fine, collected his co-pay and sent us on our way. Better safe than sorry though, so…

With the weather getting warmer, the ticks are coming out in full force. Living in eastern MA, I’ve dealt with ticks many times before. This year, I’ve been seeing a lot of deer ticks, and that’s got me concerned.

Here’s a helpful article from Northern New England dot com:

Ticks (also known as arachnids) are a fact of life here in New England, and, in fact, in many places on earth. Golfers, hikers, hunters, bird watchers and anyone that spends time outdoors should be aware of ticks.

Globally, there are some 400 species of ticks on this planet. Here in northern New England, we have about a dozen different species lurking in the woods, forests, and grass.

Not much is usually heard about ticks, but the fact is – knowing about ticks is extremely important and potentially life saving. Ticks, like mites are external parasites that live off the blood of mammals, birds, and even reptiles and amphibians. Ticks are also vectors of several diseases, including the potentially fatal Lyme disease.

Often tick species take their name from their favorite host, so we have bird ticks, woodchuck ticks, rabbit ticks, moose ticks, and dog ticks. Other New England varieties of tick include; one star tick, tiny black-legged tick – the local variety, of which is commonly referred to as a “deer tick”.

Ticks are rather unique in that all ticks must stalk and feed from a host vertebrate three times in their lifetime, as larva, again as a nymph, and finally as an adult. It is in the third and final phase of the deer tick’s life that is the most dangerous to humans.

Ticks & Lyme Disease

An infected tick can spread Lyme Disease. Not all ticks are infected with Lyme Disease. A tick bite can be difficult to detect. Anyone who spends time outdoors (hikers, golfers, hunters, bird watchers, bike riders, etc. ) should learn how to check themselves for fleas, ticks and insect bites and should take the time to perform this precautionary measure. The actual size of an adult tick in about the size of this 0, or the size of a pin head.

Most cases of Lyme diseases are from the Northeast. Nearly 90% of all Lyme disease cases have been reported in the Northeastern part of the US. Many people are being infected from ticks in their own yard.

Ticks are blood-feeding parasites that are often found in tall grass, stone walls, fallen leaves, and shrubs where they wait to attach themselves to a passing host, like you or your pet. Physical contact is the only method of transportation for ticks. Thankfully, ticks can not jump or fly, although they may drop from their perch and fall onto an unsuspecting host.

Tick Removal

To remove a tick use a small set of quality tweezers: grab the head of the tick and slowly pull it out. Crushing or irritating the tick by using heat or chemicals should be avoided, because these methods may cause it to regurgitate its stomach contents into the skin, increasing the possibility of infection. Very small ticks and larval ticks can be removed by scraping them off.

Lyme disease (which is found in deer ticks) cannot be transmitted once the tick body is removed even if the mouthparts break off and are still in the skin. Prompt removal is important; infection generally takes an extended period of time, over 24 hours for Lyme disease which is why carefully checking yourself after hiking, hunting or outdoor activities is so important.

Tick Population Factors

Ticks of all types depend largely upon water and moisture for survival. More ticks will survive a mild winter than a cold one. A long dry summer will have a devastating effect on tick populations, conversely a wet and warm spring will help hatch an abundance of ticks.

Reposted from here.

Brewed Mead, Cider, Melomel

So, as you know, I also have a blog for my adventures in fermentation. I’m considering dumping it, and just importing everything over into here, but I own the URL so I might as well use it for a while anyway.

Regardless, I’m about to post a blog post over there, but there’s a lot of general life stuff going on in it anyway, so I figure I’ll post it here as well. I decided a while back that I’d like to brew cider. I also decided I wanted to brew mead. So I did both of those things last weekend.

The process was a lot of fun. Much different than brewing beer, and yet, much the same… One big difference, there’s no boil necessary for either, but I did heat things up a bit at first.

The cider is on the left there, one gallon of cider and 5lbs of table sugar, warming up. I put the other four gallons of cider into the carboy. Once the granulated sugar was disolved, I mixed it all together.

On the right is the mead… There’s three gallons of water in that pot, and15lbs of honey. I heated to about 180°F and let it sit there for about 15 mins. Then I mixed it with another two gallons of water in my fermentation bucket. Once it all came down to room temp, I pitched the yeast, and was bubbling shortly. I also used some yeast nutrients, for those of you who were wondering.

But the fun stuff had to do with a different brew I made. I made a single gallon of mead with some blackberries in it. Fruit mead is called melomel.

Now those of you who know what you’re looking at might be saying “Hey, that’s a little too full, you’re going to have problems.” Well, I put it in that green tub because I fully anticipated the possibility that it would bubble up and out of the air lock. I r smrt.

For those of you who don’t, you’re looking at a gallon of melomel in the making, blackberries floating on the top of honey and water, with little yeasty beasties floating around eating sugar.

What goes on here, is the yeast eat the sugars, and excrete alcohol. They also produce carbon dioxide, which bubbles up through that water air-lock on the top. That prevents oxygen from coming in which can oxidize the fermentation and create funny flavors, or “off flavors”. You don’t want that.

As it happens, I DID run into trouble. After a few hours, this is what it looked like:

This is a problem… As the yeast starts to eat and produce their by products, I ran outta room in the jug.

So, being the problem solver that I am, I took a straw, stuck it down through the blackberries, and into the mead, and sucked out about a cup. It tasted fantastic by the way… Slightly tingly, from the slight carbonation, sweet and berry… I can’t wait for this to finish… in a year…

Once again, i r smrt!

We went out to dinner the next night, and in our way home, we got a call from my mother in law saying that it exploded… Fortunately, it didn’t blow the glass bottle apart, but what happened was, the yeast went bananas, and blew the blackberry glop up into the airlock, which clogged. Then the pressure built, and long story short, I was cleaning blackberries off of the kitchen ceiling when I got home.

I’m sorta bummed that she cleaned up the floor before we got home, I would have liked to have taken some pictures of that…

Anyway, I managed to save the melomel, but most of the blackberries were gone, so I cut up some pears, and dumped in some orange juice for the yeast to eat… Should be tasty none the less.

Here are a couple more pictures I took during the process. I highly recommend this to anyone who is thinking about it! MUCH fun!

Connecting Trend Agents to new Server Installs

As with any software, there are times when it’s necessary to uninstall, and reinstall Trend’s Worry Free Business Security suite, but does that mean you’ll need to uninstall all of the agents and push out fresh installs? While this would work, it’s not necessary.

This can be done via batch file. Once the script is written, it can ideally be put into a login script, or pushed out via Group Policy or some kind of Managed Services (Like Kaseya!)

First, you’ll need a little bit of information.

  • Browse to the ser’vers OFCSCAN folder, and open ofcscan.ini
  • Make note of the following information:
    • Master_DomainName
    • Master_DomainPort
    • Client_LocalServer_Port

The script syntax is:ipXfer.exe-s-p-m1-c

For example: \ -s -m 1 -p 8059 -c 18277

It’s sometimes enough to simply run this, but depending on what’s going on at the end point, it may be beneficial to stop and start all the local trend services.

The batch file that I use looks like this:

\ -s -m 1 -p 8059 -c 18277

After running this, give the software a couple of minutes to connect and such before beating on the refresh link in the WFBS console. Works every time (For me, so far!)

The Kaseya script I use, looks like this:

Script Name: trend agent reconnect
Script Description: \SERVERofcscanadminutilityipxferipxfer.exe -s server.CTA.local -p 8059 -m 1 -c 16809

IF True
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 1 : NET STOP TMPFW
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 1 : NET STOP TMPROXY
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 1 : NET START TMPFW
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0
Execute Shell Command
Parameter 1 : \SERVERofcscanadminutilityipxferipxfer.exe -s server.DOMAIN.local -p 8059 -m 1 -c 16809
Parameter 2 : 0
OS Type : 0

Remember to edit the port numbers and server / domain information!

Happy Halloween!

Another chance for us to dress our kids in funny costumes, occupy them for a whole evening, get them all tired out and eat their candy when they go to bed. 😀

Givers of candy, I have this request for you! I realize that America is obese, and I understand that proper education and discipline as a child will help to stem this epidemic. Trust me when I say, I am doing my part to make sure that my children are not in receipt of too much candy!

How you ask? Well, I secretly remove some of the candy from their stash, a little at a time so as not to be noticed. This way they feel like they ate it all, but in reality, they only eat a portion of it.

No! Of course I don’t eat it! *wipes mouth*.

My request is that you help me out a little bit here… Here’s a list of candy that don’t lik…er… That’s hard to dispose of undetected… Yeah, that’s it.

These nasty little buggers get sticky and leave marshmallow all over my fac… ah… hands. Very difficult to take care of undetected.

If you purchased candy corn, you may as well keep it. Take a look around the house and see what else you got. I completely understand that you bought these with the best of intentions, and it may be the only “candy” type food you got, but be creative! Sugar cubes or packets? Tea bags? (Earl Grey are nice. That is to say, they’re the easiest to squirrel away from the kids while staying under the radar). Chicken nuggets? You get the idea.
Anything with coconut in it is bogus. Stay away from this at all costs. Why? I don’t like them. And that’s a legit reason, cause just the smell of them makes me wretch, so being stealthy is very difficult with a fist full of mounds bars. I can’t think of a good use of a coconut that involves eating them. I think the professor made a HAM radio out of a couple, didn’t he? That’s acceptable.
Seriously, could there be a more disgusting “candy”? It’s like they didn’t have quite enough coagulation agent to make another batch of silly putty, so they feed it to the indiscriminant. I don’t even like that junk in my house, let alone my bell… Kid’s bellies.

It’s been a few years since I’ve seen this, but several times over the years someone’s tried to pass of raisins and apples as Halloween booty? What are you, new? You want your place toilet papered? Weren’t you ever a kid? Did you like getting produce on Halloween? The fourth grade versions of yourself would kick your ass for that. That’s like giving a little boy clothes for Christmas.

If you’re into disappointing children (which I’ll admit can be rewarding from time to time…) keep it up. You’re just giving them things to throw in the compost heap. By the time they get through the real stuff, the nature’s bounty you handed out will be turning brown and sprouting hairs. Look, Thanksgiving is just around the corner, keep that junk for pies and breads. Halloween is about glucose packed goodies, not health foods.

* * * * *

Now that you know what not to give out, here’s how to do it right.

This is not one of those holidays where you go to the dollar store to buy your supplies. Penny pinching is going to get you in trouble. Not quite as much trouble as giving out V8 juice or celery of course, but old stale no-name chocolate bars are only just so-so. May not get you egged, but don’t be surprised to find your morning newspapers in the bird bath for the next couple of months.

That said, you don’t have to go top shelf either, once you pass a certain level you’re in the clear. Sure, we’ll tak… Ah, they’ll take Symphony bars, toblerone, and Lindt chocolates, but your return on investment isn’t going to be that much higher. Remember, going above and beyond isn’t going to get your lawn mowed or your gutters cleaned. You’re never going to get positive karma out of this… Your job is just to not get assaulted by angry Junior-high kids equipped with shaving cream.

Think of the standard names. These are the candies you see lining the aisle as your leaving the super market. Hershey’s, Reece’s, Nestlé’s Crunch, Kit-Kats, Snickers. These are perfect examples of middle-of-the-road treats to give out. This will keep your yard free of any kind of delinquent Halloween tomfoolery.

The little bite sized ones are fine, those will get you a pass. You don’t have to go full sized, or king sized.

If you disagree, and still would rather give out vitamin filled tree-droppings, do yourself a favor: Turn your porch light off, and don’t answer your door. You’d much rather the kids think you’re not home, as opposed to trying to get them to slim down.