I’m in rare form today. If I could sum up the last couple days in an illustration, it would be something like a very angry person, teeth clenched, face red, veins bulging. If I had to sum it up in a gesture, it’d only take one finger. If I had to sum it up as a lead roll in a movie it’d be “Falling Down”. If I had to sum it up using only an acronym, it’d be WTF.
I feel like I’m in a Ben Stiller movie. You know, where everything is stupid and ridiculous and a real ironic pain in the ass.
In reality, things aren’t all that bad, but I feel like ranting.
Friday was the “Lighting of the Green” here in Taunton MA. “The Green” is the city center, where a half-dozen or so major routes converge. It’s said “all roads lead to Taunton”. They decorate the bajeezus out of the city center, and shut down all the roads, so people can go and watch as they give speeches and what not, and then light the lights on the green.
Following this lighting, there are rides and activities and vendors, etc. I’m not sure how long the whole things is from start to finish, but we stuck around a couple hours; long enough to have a hot dog or two and blow ten bucks on a fricken balloon shaped like a gigantic microphone.
The frustration though, comes from the Pin… You can buy a pin that allows you to go on the rides and what not. They’re eight bucks a piece. The price isn’t that big a deal, but FINDING the god damned things took us about forty minutes. You would think there’d be signs or something like “Get your pins over here”, right? Nope.
Turns out they were being sold in a couple establishments, and more than likely there were fliyers or something prior to the festivities. I know there was one sent home with my daughter from school, but whoever planned this thing dropped the freakin ball, in my opinion. The info about where to get the god damned pass, if you will, should have been all over the place. Dumbasses.
Next, today is the “Christmas Parade” where they also use the center of town. Guess what they do?
… so you’d think that all the local papers and such would have what time the damned thing starts? Nope. I went to the local papers’ websites, and even the city’s god damned parks and rec websites. I found the line ups for the parade, who will be where in the parade… But not when! C’MON. Kind of an important thing, right?
I’m sure it was overlooked as something that everyone who cares already knew, but the kids (or the oldest anyway) is only just now old enough to enjoy these things, and we need the details.
I kinda miss old telephones. Who hasn’t had a really infuriating phone call? Think back ten years or so, before everything was electronic, when you had to “hang the phone up” to end a call, instead of pushing the “off” button. What’s more satisfying than slamming the receiver down after a call that’s totally pissed you off. You get the satisfying smash on your end, and you know the person on the other end caught some of if before the line disconnected.
You can’t do that anymore! It’s so dissatisfying to angrily poke the “off button” when you know the enjoyment of slamming the receiver down. Even if you did have a phone that “hangs up” you’re likely to shatter it, or break the circuit boards or something.
I’m tired of commercials where men are stupid, and the woman is totally smug. The only one that comes to mind right now is the McDonald’s one where she says “So-and-so’s boyfriend things Sundays are just for watching football. What do you think about that”, and he panics, but talks himself through it “You’re smart, you ordered McDonald’s food, you can handle this” and he says “The guy’s a jerk”.
In my version of that commercial, that guy says “stop playing mind games, you pain in the ass.”
Then there’s the one where the mom comes home and the plumber was there just finishing up and says “You’re all set” as he sets the wet, dripping plunger down on the counter top. Of course, that makes sense, that must happen all the time, some profession plumber doesn’t understand that a web plunger doesn’t go on the kitchen counter, but we pardon that fact because A) he’s a guy, and B) super-mom has Clorox wipes, and can deal with the stupidity.
How about the one where the guy attempts home improvements, and ends up screwing everything up, and the wife saves the day by calling a professional, and shaking her head at the failure husband, looking piteously at him like “You know you can’t do anything right, why would you even try?”
Just now, I saw one for the show “The League” where the woman tells the guy “Go to your yoga class and get less fat.” Really? Let’s reverse those roles… I don’t think I need to say much more about that.
I’m not contesting the fact that the football boyfriend may be a jerk, or that there are men out there who attempt home improvements and foul things up… But think about these as a commercials, and tell me if they would go over as “well”…
A guy and a girl are out to dinner, and the guy is watching the baseball game on the TV. The woman starts talking about feelings, and the guy get pissy. “You know, you’re always trying to work on this relationship when I’m busy.”
No? How about:
Woman: “I’m attempting to fix the stairs, but things aren’t going as well as I thought they would… I’ll get it though!” cut to scene: woman accidentally sets a small fire on the stairs, and awkwardly slaps it out with something expensive or something like that. Luckily the guy’s there. “Honey, just call the carpenter. You’re so stupid sometimes!”
I am all for equal treatment… when it’s equal.
How about a commercial where NEITHER of them know what they’re doing, and call the professional? Or “So and so thinks Sundays are just for football.” “Yeah, I like watching the games, but there’s lots of other things that can take precedence.” “Well, we can watch the games, but let’s do something else fun too.”
Do these things drive you nuts too?