Five Jobs I Wish I Had, But Could Never Do

Before I get into this post, I want to make it perfectly clear. I have a great job. I really do love my job. Not only is it fulfilling and challenging, but it’s frequently enjoyable.

That said, I don’t think there’s anyone out there who wouldn’t jump at the chance to do… something else. Again, I love my job, but these five jobs I’m about to list, I would definitely do it, and never look back.

1. Myth-Busters

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This has got to be one of my all time favorite shows on TV. I’ve been sitting here watching this show, and so far, I’ve seen them shoot sniper rifles at C4, mount a harpoon on the front of a crown victoria, and throw lit road flares into a shed full of propane tanks.

They basically read warning labels on products, and to exactly what those labels tell you not to. I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch people WORK, and have NEARLY as much fun as the Mythbusters.

The reason I couldn’t do this though is the fact that I am a walking fricken disaster. Murphy lives in my attic, and rides in my back pocket everywhere I go. If anything CAN go wrong, it WILL for me. And with the Myth-busters, there’s plenty of things that could go wrong.

2. A Creator of Art With a Boundless Muse
Like most folks who blog or draw or diddle with a musical instrument, I like to think I have some measure of artist ability. This job is a tough one, because “creator of art” is a ridiculously broad spectrum term. Art is subjective, and very personal.

I add “With a boundless muse” because regardless of how much I enjoy writing, drawing, etc. I truly feel like I could never keep one or the other activity up for very long without running low on ideas or motivation.

I go through spurts. I haven’t actually drawn anything more than a doodle while on hold in probably fifteen years, though the itch is there from time to time. Sooner or later, I will probably revisit it.

Likewise, I haven’t played the guitar for more than a collective couple of hours in years.

I write more often than I do anything else, but even that goes off and on… Currently I happen to be here with plenty to say. Who knows what next month will be like.

Sadly, the level of love I have for blogging / writing just isn’t enough to keep me doing reliably. Were I to set out to make a living doing this, I think I would fail. At least now, at this point in my life. I don’t know what makes me suddenly hit this brick wall, but I do. Invariably.

Remove that, and I’d love to do this all the time.

3. Park Ranger

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You’ll have to forgive me if you know a lot about what it takes to be a park ranger, and think I’m off base. It’s completely possible that I am. I know next to nothing about what’s involved, and I’m sure I’d hate parts of the job that I’m not even aware of right now…

But on the surface, the idea of taking care of nature appeals to the tree-hugger in me.

I seldom admit this, but I do like people. I like to deal with people, and talk to them, etc… But eventually, the ubiquitous stupidity that inevitably shows it’s face in all things human really pisses me off. People really can be unreasonably stupid and malicious.

Nature is different. Trees grow, animals kill and eat. Water flows down hill. Rocks are hard. Universal truth. My charge would be to toss assholes out of nature, and make sure animals aren’t exposed to the bad examples.

Right? I mean, assuming I can keep Yogi away from the tourists…

Unfortunately that whole Murphy thing from above applies here. Nature has poisonous plants and animals. I can’t even mow my god damned lawn without getting a case of poison ivy. I have it right now as I type. I’m on prednisone for it.

In addition to plants and animals that could “go wrong” all over me, things like rocks and cliffs and falling trees that make no noise, etc…

I say frequently (and only HALF in jest) “outside is where people go to get hurt”.

4. Successful Radio personality
I say “Successful”, but I think that’s probably redundant… But for the literal folks out there, unsuccessful radio personality is not an option for this post.

I say radio, because I get the idea that it doesn’t matter too much what you look like. There are days where I forget to brush my hair, and I like the fact that it doesn’t matter.

Further, all I’d really need to do is be me. Presumably I should be able to do that for long periods of time. Currently, I’ve been doing this for 32 years and 10 months.

Problem is, “being me” includes a serious introverted streak. I honestly think that under the right conditions, I could go a full week without saying a single word. A job that requires me to talk constantly would be a tough one for me after the novelty wore off.

5. A Teacher
If I were independently wealthy, and never needed to work again, I think I’d spend the rest of my life learning. I love learning, but even more than learning, I love to teach. I love to share knowledge and experience with those who would listen.

I believe that the truest measure of how well you know something, is how efficiently you can explain it to someone else. If you can teach it, you know it.

However… I have a low threshold for stupidity and apathy. Having been a student (back before I realized I LIKE learning… you know, back when it was free, and I had no responsibilities) who didn’t care enough to do homework or study or anything, I know that a student like me would drive me to drink. Which I suppose has some appeal…


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