Say what?

I’ve always found it funny when I realize I’ve been singing the wrong words to a particular song. I thought I’d share some of them!

Disclaimer: I apologize if I ruin any of these songs for anyone, cause chance are once you’re looking for the wrong lyric, you’ll hear it every time.

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Of course, there’s the class Jimi Hendrix song, Purple Haze
The Lyric: “S’cuse me while I kiss the sky!”
My Version: “S’cuse me while I kiss this guy!”
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Elton John’s Tiny Dancer had a couple…
The Lyric: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”
My Version: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
AND
The Lyric: “Count the head lights on the highway.”
My Version: “Count the head lice on the highway.”
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Allanis Morrisette’s man-hater song You Oughta Know
The Lyric: “It’s not fair to deny me the cross I bear that you gave to me”
My Version: “It’s not fair to deny me the cross eyed bear that you gave to me”. 

Not sure what I thought there, I figured the guy gave her a teddy bear and it was cross eyed, but he took it when he left?? /shrug

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Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’
They Lyric: “I’m a bad boy, cause I don’t even miss her. And I’m a bad boy for breakin’ her heart.”
My Version: “I’m a bad boy, cause I don’t even miss her. And I’m a bad boy for breakin’ her arm.”
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The Police Spirits In The Material World
The Lyric: “We are spirits, in the material world.”
My Version: “We’re asparagus, in the material world.”
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The Police’s Message In A Bottle
The Lyric: “A year has passed since I wrote my note.”
My Version: “A year has passed since I broke my nose”
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The Verve Pipe Freshmen
The Lyric: “For the life of me, I could not believe we’d ever die for these sins, we were merely freshmen.”
My Version: “For the life of me, I could not believe we’d ever die forty cents, we were merely freshmen.”
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Ok, so there’re a few that come to mind right now, I’m sure there are more, but please chime in with some of your own, so I know I’m not the only one!

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What are you, NEW?

Logic. The Vulcans had it right, in my opinion. That which does not follow logic is usually irrational, at times baffling, and frankly sometimes rather scary for me. If logic is adhered to, most of the time, I’m comfortable.

When things get whacky, I’m usually the guy who says “What the f… Alright, wait. Hang on here, back it up. Let’s think about this…” and we cut out the silly, consider this or that, and we get to a conclusion of some sort, be it a solid decision or at least a direction to stumble along in until such a time that things makes sense again.

This is how I get through life. Life: a series of things, some crazy, some sane, some weird, some not that comes your way and you have to deal with. Some people get emotional and act in the moment, reactionary and passionate. This is not me. I’ve perhaps done this once or twice, but I’ve never come out of it saying “That went well”. Typically I spend the next few weeks calling myself every kind of dumbass.

Anyway, those of you who have children can relate to the complete upset of logic I’m going to talk about… Once the kids come, nothing really goes as planned, nor does it go as expected. My oldest is now closing in on her fifth birthday, which will be this summer. As most parents will say, I can’t believe how fast time has gone. Five already!? …and yet, in the time she’s aged her four plus years, I think I may have aged a decade or more.

My comfortable blanket of routine and logic was quickly torn to bits after fatherhood set in, and I mean “set in” cause it doesn’t really start on day 1. Sure the first eight or so months were an adjustment… Night time feedings, soiled diapers, drool… (Which by the way, if I had to sum up parenthood of an infant in just one word, that word would be “wet” in almost every sense of the word) and of course the irrational expression of need… Screeching. But once all that is coupled with mobility and language, all bets are off.

You spend a lot of time chasing, following, correcting, taking away of things, pulling things from the mouth that were never meant to be in a mouth, protecting of pets, cleaning, feeding, washing, bathing… After a while it subsides a bit. You do less and less of these things, and sooner or later, you find yourself believing that whichever of these behaviors that has gone away, is gone for good. Rejoice! …But not for long.

Soon after the child seems to develop a solid sense of wrong or right, the things you were running ragged to put a stop to for the last year and a half seem to resurface!

It was a bit of a strain on my logic when it all started, but when it’d gone away, and I’d said “finally!”… it came back! The “Terrible Twos” (which is a complete misnomer, as it implies that it starts at 2 and ends at 3… it does not always start at two, and it doesn’t always end at 3. I’m beginning to think there are cases where it may never end!) set in, and they start doing things just to see if these things are still a no-no.

This is where I get frustrated. “It was a no-no yesterday, why wouldn’t it be a no-no today!?” Of course, logic is completely lost on a child, and even though I know this, I still find myself saying things like “What the F… Why the hell would you do that?!” and, always my favorite as a kid “You know better!”

One day in a fit of frustrated rage, I asked my daughter “Have you heard me say this before?! What are you, NEW?”

The term “What are you, new?” seems to sum up the entirety of my confusion, I think. I’ve found myself saying a lot. It’s applicable to just about every situation involving someone doing something they shouldn’t. It’s become a bit of a catch phrase, and sometimes I say without really listening to the question.

My second daughter, now 6 months grabbed a fist full of beard (a clear indication that it’s time for a trim) and on impulse, I shouted “Ow! What are you, new?!”

To which my 4 year old said “Uh yeah she is new daddy. Duuuh.”

…And so we’ve come full circle…

Bug juice

Next time you’re browsing the supermarket in search of the makings of that night’s dinner, pause a moment to read the ingredients labels of your favorite red-colored ingestibles and cosmetics. Chances are, you’ll discover a notation for cochineal, carmine, or carminic acid, pigments whose origins might surprise and possibly disgust you.

Cochineal and its close cousin carmine (also known as carminic acid) are derived from the crushed carcasses of a particular South and Central American insect. These popular colorants, which today are used to impart a deep red shade to fruit juices, gelatins, candies, shampoos, and more, come from the female Dactylopius coccus, an insect that inhabits a type of cactus known as Opuntia.

Dactylopius coccus was the source of a red dye used by Aztecs and Mexican Indians for centuries before the arrival of the Spaniards. Those indigenous peoples would collect cochineal insects, briefly immerse them in hot water to kill the beasties and dissolve the females’ waxy coating, and then dry them in the sun. The desiccated insects would then be ground to a fine powder.

The Spaniards immediately grasped the potential of the pigment, so these dried insects became one of the first products to be exported from the New World to the Old. Europeans took to the beautiful, bright scarlet colour immediately both for its vibrant hue and for its extraordinary colorfast properties, ensuring that boatloads of cochineal insects would make the trans-Atlantic trek.

Today cochineal has been surpassed as a dye for cloth by a number of synthetic pigments, but is still widely used as a coloring agent for a number of foodstuffs, beverages, and cosmetics (because many of those synthetic dyes proved dangerous to humans when taken internally or allowed to leach into the body through the skin). It takes about 70,000 insects to make one pound of cochineal.

While cochineal is used in a wide variety of foods, it is not found in kosher products because Jewish dietary laws prohibit the inclusion of insects or their parts in food. The “ewww!” factor nothwithstanding, cochineal is a safe food colorant aside from a few rare cases of allergic reaction.

Another red dye used in foods, FD&C Red Dye #40 (alternatively known as Red #40), is often mistakenly assumed to be a euphemism for cochineal or carmine. It’s not — it’s bug-free and is actually derived from coal.

Our distaste at the thought of ingesting bugs is based on cultural factors rather than the properties or flavors of the insects themselves. Western society eschews (rather than chews) bugs, hence the widespread “Ewww!” reaction to the news that some of our favorite foods contain insect extract.

Reposted from http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/bugjuice.asp (Snopes, so you know it’s true!)

That’s Comedy

Comedy takes on many forms, and it’s a very personal thing to those who find it funny. There’s all kinds of comedy, stand-up, insult comedy, slapstick, etc. Being that so many people find so many different things funny, an awful lot of comedy can be offensive to some. I think some of the best comedy is the intellectual stuff that doesn’t leave a small percentage of the audience saying “Hrmph!”

George Carlin made millions of dollars swearing and shocking people with vulgarities, but behind it all is simple genius. You can be sure there were people with their hands over their ears and turning all shades of red during most of his most famous material, but many of the things he said were from pure observation and thought.

Bill Cosby “himself” is one of the funniest, most memorable, most quotable pieces of comedic gold I’ve ever seen, and I think he managed to pull off that act without offending a single demographic.

I’ve got a sick side to my sense of humor too, and I’m not talking about finding it funny when people fall down the stairs, or farting in an elevator (although I do find that hysterical… I think it’s a guy thing). I’m talking about the kinds jokes you tell that are so bad you get more amusement out of the groans of agony from your audience.

  • Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducked!
  • Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street? One was a salted! (Assaulted)
  • A dyslexic man walked into a bra
In addition to silly little one liners like that, I have a great love for puns.

  • I once submitted a top ten list of favorite puns to a “Best Puns” contest in hope of winning. Unfortunately, no pun-in-ten-did!
Perhaps the best example I can think of a masterful execution of puns would have to be “Wet Dream” by Dr. Demento
Best quote: “She said things I couldn’t fathom. She was too deep! Seemed to be under a lot of pressure!”
Got some favorite knee-slappers? Perhaps just a groaner? Let’s hear it!

Ladybugs – They’re BACK!

What with the warming of this particular area of the earth, the bugs are waking up, or hatching, or whatever the hell they do when their activity begins in the spring… Looks like the little buggers have returned, and they’re looking to check their emails!

I’m just glad I saw it before squishing it. Not out of any sort of respect for all living things or what have you, but more because I hate when my keys stick!

I wish I could blame the missing “E” from that key on him / her but alas, that’s my fault. Same with the “S and “D” and most of that “F” and part of the “A”.

Makes me wonder though, what’s it doing down there? Does it eat the little bits and pieces of junk that have fallen in between? If so, all the better!

But then, where do they do their business? Same place? Even if it’s less destructive than the junk that ends up in there, a keyboard full of Ladybug poop just doesn’t appeal to me… not that I know what it looks like, or what kind of damage it could do to a keyboard. Hell, I could be covered in Ladybug poop and not even know it, now that I think about it. Yeuch… I think I’ll stop thinking about it…

I guess things could be worse… Pretty soon, I’m sure I’ll start seeing Stinkbugs again. Now, these things weird me right the heck out. They’re slow, clumsy and prehistoric looking little things, and they stink when (or if) you squish them. It’s a strange sort of almost spoiled milk mixed with grass clippings kind of stink..

I don’t mind admitting that I get a little creeped out when these things fly around near my face in their little seemly random flight path. I always get the feeling that they’re going to divebomb right into my eye, or up my nose or something. Yet another creature who’s poop I’d rather not have around, but couldn’t identify even if I stumbled upon it. Or into it, if you will… Even if you wont… And I hope you don’t. Cause I wouldn’t.

They fly very erratically, not unlike a little brown six-legged Woodstock. Remember the little yellow bird in the Charlie Brown comics? Now, I know what bird poop looks like… That I can identify, and I’m sure that wouldn’t be nice in my keyboard.

Or instead of Woodstock, maybe like “The Greatest American Hero”.

If you don’t recall him, it was a TV show back in the 80s, and he was an unlikely super hero who was given this super-suit by aliens, but lost the owner’s manual, and had a real hard time getting it to do whatever he wanted it to.

Not even going there with the poop comments…